Making the Move Easy on the Kids
Moving from one house to another is seldom easy and fun for adults and itcan be especially troubling for the children. But if parents deal with theirchildren's concerns and needs thoughtfully, much of that distress anddiscomfort can be avoided. Children see moves differently than theirparent's do, and they benefit much less from the change in their comfortableroutines, or so it seems at the time. Most often, a change in houses orcommunities heralds an important step forward for the adult members of thefamily. The family moves because Daddy or Mommy has a great new job or apromotion in reward for years of hard work. They move because financialsuccess has allowed the purchase of a bigger and nicer house in a morecostly neighborhood. They move because they can finally afford privatebedrooms for each child and perhaps a pool in the back yard. In the 1990's,mobile and hard striving people typically live in a house for about fouryears and then move on as their careers or fortunes allow. That short timespan is only a small percentage of the life-to-date for a 30 or 40 year old,but the same four years is half the life-time of an 8 year old, and itincludes almost all the years he or she can remember. To a parent, thishouse may be only the place they have lived recently. They think of it as away station on the road of life. To kids, however, it may be the only homethey have ever really known. This is their house, the place they feel safeand comfortable and thoroughly at home. A house is much more than a roofand walls to a child. It is the center of his or her world. A move threatensto take that sphere away and leave something totally strange in its place.The familiar friends, schools, shops and theaters, the streets, trees andparks - all will no longer exist for them. Everything soon will be strange,and they will live in someone else's world. The impact of a move on atypical child starts about the time he or she first hears that Daddy hasaccepted a promotion, and often continues for about a year, until the newhouse becomes home, and memories of the previous place fade. It's notusually necessary to announce this big change to children immediately,although they must hear about it from you before someone else breaks thenews. Most teenagers see themselves as adult members of the family, and willprobably feel they have been left out if they don't hear everything from thefirst day. But it is probably not a good idea to tell toddlers andpreschoolers until they have to know. There is no point in making them worryfar in advance. Be sure to announce the move in a totally positive way. Youmight say how proud you are that Daddy's company has chosen him out of manyother employees to manage a new office in Cleveland. Talk about what abeautiful city Cleveland is how good the schools are and how nice the peopleare. Tell truthful but very positive stories about how nice the new housewill be. Ask them what the favorite things are in their lives now, and thentry to make them happen in the new home. If the new home is too far away toallow a visit by the entire family after it has been selected, show thechildren pictures of it from every angle. Videotape it, if you can.Emphasize the positive views and be sure to include pictures of each child'snew room. Try to name the house with some romantic description like "OakHill" for the big trees and the sloping lawn.
Sugar coating will help, but since children can quickly see the negativesides of most situations, every parent must plan to deal with theirchildren's worries, fears and sorrows. The children will lose friends theymay have known all their lives. They will leave behind their sports teams,their clubs and they're dancing teachers. They will have to start over in anew place, making friends, becoming accepted and fitting into differentgroups. Younger children need protection from fear of the unknown. Listencarefully to their concerns, and respond quickly to allay theirapprehensions. It would be normal, for instance, for a young child to worrythat his or her toy box and shelf of stuffed animals might be left behind.Find those anxieties and correct them. Probably the best tactic is to getthe children actively involved in the whole process. Don't just promise tolet them decorate their own rooms, for example. Take them to the paint storeand let them bring home color swatches. Shop for bed spreads and towels andcarpets. They must leave old friends behind, so find ways to make thatparting almost pleasant. Plan a going-away party and let them invite theirown guests. Take pictures of everyone and make a photo album. If a child isold enough, send him or her out with a roll of film in the camera and theassignment to photograph the views they will want to remember. Somerelationships will be extremely difficult to break and these will demandcareful, thoughtful, personalized planning by both parents. How, forinstance, do you move a 17-year-old 1,000 miles from her steady boyfriend? Expect that your children may be even more distressed after the move thanthey were before it. The new house will not be beautiful the night after themoving van leaves, or for months after. The furniture won't fit the rooms.The curtains won't be up, and every spot on the floor will be covered withhalf-unpacked cartons. The children won't know anyone at school and, if youmove during the summer, they may have little opportunity to meet anyonetheir age. You may be faced with many more problems in your new communitythat they will, but remember that you can handle them more easily than theycan. They will need your help, and you should plan to give them the supportthey need. After the move, give each of them a long distance telephone callallowance so they can keep in touch with the people back home who matter themost to them. Buy a stack of picture postcards that show positive views ofyour new community, and encourage them to write good news messages to thefriends and relatives they left behind. To make new friends, make sure thechildren don't vegetate in front of the television. Get them outside, whereneighbors pass by. Have them pass out fliers to do baby-sitting or carwashing. Encourage them to participate in as many school activities as theycan handle. Get them on sports teams and into clubs. If they - and you -aren't making new friends fast enough, throw a housewarming party foryourselves and invite all the adults and children on the block. If seriousemotional or attitudinal problems arise, however, help is usually availableand probably should be sought. Ask a teacher for help. Consider professionalcounseling. Don't let a serious problem slide. Remember that the newnesswill wear off. New friends will become old friends and best friends. Thisnew house may become the family homestead your grandchildren will visitevery holiday season. There will be discomforts, but in the long run,everything will work out fine.
Steve SeeligerStark Company717 John Nolen Dr.Madison, WI 53713800-779-4037